that was the second time of this experience. the last one, m. (?)
when i was with Charlie, i got the very simple truth about it all --
when you look in your own mirrors, it can be amazingly perfect.
but. the perfection lasts the one moment and can not be returned to.
the other eternity is the eternity of fighting with the copy of yourself.
Charlie was the cheapest mirror. this time the mirror was diamond framed.
it changed nothing.
today, when i was ordered to return the keys from the c/m i felt sad.
but then i thought about what bro was telling me about this all gone.
that in our terms i should be not punished but pitied for that greatly.
that i am not worthy to be a queen with this wish to look in mirrors.
yet, they give more pain than happiness. that i love myself too much.
that is not about sex (perfect or not perfect) but about needing something.
apart of my home. that if i completely devote myself to my home, i feel
like needing nothing else. that is not about using people, but about the
原因 or source of that. and probably today i finally got the reason why.
why i was pitiful.
the mirrors do nothing but reflect. this time it was my reflection of runaway.
of my probably not readiness and not rightshisness to accept this place.
now i returned keys from the central mansion and do not feel sadness.
i will write letter with my apologies and gratitude for all i have done til now.
i know, i have done a lot of bad things. not right things. not accaptable.
probably, i should grow up. more. stronger.
i wish the day when i understand i do not need something more, come.
it is not i will be changed and not loving myself less, being less child.
causing less pain the one, i made the oath with. chosen the wrong paths.
it is just when i come to the point where i need it, i can be over it myself.
the most easiest way is to take when you want to take.
the most wisest way is to know how not to take it and stay high.
i do not know yet, how *)
but it was the very good experience this time.
and やれやれ、how perfect was the sex part.
終わりー。