sometimes i think, i miss Ryu like hell.
not actually his amazing personal being, in general.
where there is nowhere to fall, it feels like vacuum.
where something important is missing, where you
are missing out something, you think is meaning.
it is not that i can not (not) live without it, just.
when i am living in 正しい criteria it feels wrong.
i write my name with きよい。purity.
i so much hate to be on the path of righteousness.
that even without commending, i go somewhere else.
and it is not even about sex, in the first place.
that is about surprising love for trash, which is not
(shoud not) come along with the status, i somehow
keep.
i have everything, people usually only dream of.
status, money, connections, whatever else ever.
i am eternally loved and love back in the same terms.
i have my home to treasure. and i have my family, yes.
why can not i avoid going low? excessively low.
with my affection for decayed souls and beings.
that is not that beatiful. that is just decay as it is.
harsh. painful. something that definitely 傷つく。
probably, that is blood.
in this way or another aiming for the self-destruction.
つづく・・・