the very biggest smile on my face give me people.
why they are so kind to me? so grealty motivated?
so eagering to please
i am doing particularly nothing to enlarge that. i just naturally charm.
or so i was told by Oliver. the most charming tones of being a child.
who can say no to a child? who would dare to? that is so predictable.
so i am probably using it already and all the times 知らないうちに。
i am getting 11 Jetoy cards in a big envelope.
i am such a sucker for these korean kitties.
for sure i can easily buy them in Tokyo now.
but somehow i love to receive. its so thrilling.)
and i need to pay up for my flickr account.
and i need camera. Nikon, preferably. soon.
...
xxx
i am pretty much assured that i am doubted in feeling
something that people call love. i do have attachments.
lasting for longer or less, giving me troubles here n there.
hence i assume that my wishing lists this season have
hell nothing to do with my feelings or emotional part in this field.
my heart does not know how to hurt for love. it never did even once.
i am of the ones who will never have the so-called broken heart.(
and i am blessed for that. but my lovely pride knows how to
hurt hundred times more. and it is so fucking hurts that just..
you can not hold it within yourself. i am feeling perfection.
golden ratio, respectively.
i do not like when things going not according to my plan.
i do not like when i can not obtain when i feel like i want.
and if that is the someones pride i can not hold on to -
the sense of inperfection is killing me from the inside.
for that i feel bad and sad. that i could not get it clear.
i am reading now those books i managed to take from
the central mansion before i left. Genji Monogatari and
Tender the Night. with the handwriting of that man, in.
those night were not ever close to be the tender ones.
but i am not asking myself what would i prefer his hands
on my neck instead them tenderly embracing my back.
that is questionable how two can share the pride when
they can not share one bed without a single great fight.
but i miss. that i miss.
it is always pleasant to be with someone like you.
even if it could not last. reflections, they come and go.
and then they will come again.
i have nothing, but to believe. i want to believe.
that maybe we could manage some やり直す charm.
for now - it is just a smell of marakuya lotion, coconut bath
and ginger coffee. the tones of green and rose in my house.
and so much yammy takoyaki and okonomiyaki tomorrow)
should i not worry about my pride. should i not worry about.
mantring.