today taking backward glances now, i do probably admit.
that i should have tried, i shoud have cried, i should have stayed.
we should have fought in the very end instead of me, leaving then.
we should have felt. something. anything. we should have tried..
i am thinking now of having a moment of hope, despair and pain.
i lie to myself deeply. the one thing that i have been taught nicely -
to shut the feeling part off. the part which was giving me the most of trouble.
always. going playing all along on itself and letting me behind the stage.
but there was pride. there was awaiting. there was looking forward to.
maybe, there could have been everything else, but one thing. my heart.
if i did love you, if let myself love such a fucked up distorted arrogant
son of a bitch like you were, i would have been dead for good now surely.
but you know, sometimes i wish i had felt. something. anything. back then.
because i have nothing to recall now, bad or good. nothing to play on repeat.
my problem long away became the problem of my principles, not my heart.
i clame i want to see you, to have my keys back, to be in your home again..
but all i am into it now is definitely clearly made up by me. i want it to be so.
but i do not feel anything. and now it could be everyone instead of you in place.
and of that category pretty much everyone will do the role, i wanted to give you.
but. there was something, i missed. something, i wanted to try. something,
i did not, though.. something left. i know, i have no second chances left now.
i should have stayed instead of smashing the door. stay and fight face to face.
but i was about to cry and would better shoot myself than let you see me crying.
my pride would have shoot me first.
even now, i can not stop craving for something, i dont even need.
i think, i can replay it. make it better. believing i learned somehing.
did i? did you? do both of us really ever matter as for here and now?
i never loved you, that is the problem.
gosh. i wish i had.