the moment, that i definitely cant let go away --
those hands on my neck, slightly suffocating me.
accurately right to the point, where i still could breathe.
the commendment eleven - never sleep with someone like you.
it is so perfect and inevitable, that will surely eat you away after.
i knew, it was not mine to take. but i took it.
i was told numerous times that there are things, better not have done.
but i did things, even worse. purely out of my endlessly selfish nature.
do i have regrets? no, i dont.
i know what i can have in this life and night, i can have more than anyone.
i am blessed with that unique ability to ask and have that quite momentally.
and i was taught the things, i can not have. sometimes i crave for them too.
now i found mysef in a state of begging. not that i know how to.
every time i kneel and want to accept the mistakes i have made -
i am trying to neglect my blame completely. but there is no one.
there is no one to blame except me. you can shut the door only knowing,
that it could be opened by someone inside the room. but shutting the door,
keeping in mind that someone is not likely to even raise his hand up - well.
pretty much of a careless nature, i would say.
i keep on begging, i keep on writing christmas cards.)
with my eternal gratitude, excuses, personal preferences.
i know that my every world wont end if this one is ending.
and that is why it is so-so tragic.
it doesnt hurt me. it never did. my heart feels nothing.
he was not even the best lover i have ever had. and surely.
he was not the best man either.
he was always of those, who are to hurt intentionally. deeply.
he is someone like me, a little bit older, a way quite stronger.
someone, from whom i would be gladly happy to learn always.
he never hurt me, even at the worst times.
he never raised neither his voice nor his hand. that he promised.
i was the one, being myself to the limit. excessively impossible.
he was that kind against his own nature that it naturally hurt himself.
i am happy we had met.
i am happy we shared flesh and not emotions of any kind.
i am happy to have been given a hand while drawning then.
instead of letting go, i am begging. probably, it will pass soon.
but that was honeslty something, i will keep with me forever. always.
that was the only person, i would probably have my own kids with.)
if i were ever at it. the one, i would never risk to build a house with, tho.
jeez, it was so inevitably tremendously great. above human emotions.
and i wish it had happened at the time i knew how to handle things like this.
even now, were i given one more chance i am not sure i would have handled.
so i can only write christmas cards. little something, i still have.