but the problem is,
i keep on crying, reading these one year before logs.
and i cant reflect why and where it all went that wrong.
why instead of great awaiting we ended up in a great mess..
without cruelty, without pain, without love and with no feelings.
we could not hold what we had. at all.
and we could not even cause the pain each other.
one of my sisters said we would have been better fighting to death.
but leaving everything as it is - without even a will to clean it.
probably, it was the weakest thing in my life. but we had pride.
enough pride to not even think about it after.
until now. when it is all coming back to me..
i mean, i beg for cruelty. i beg for no. i beg for being said - stop.
and all i am being given is ghostly hopes, promises, even afters.
and i know, i will go further. i will go to the end, i will sleep under
that door untill it will be opened again and jeez, i will so do it..
but why now?
i dont feel anything. and my, how i want to feel something already.
but no matter how i try, i cant and dont want to let this go at all..
it should have been one night, then. without any continuation. yes.
but i took something, not for me to take. and now the after is coming.
and all i want in this life now is to take it back to me. please. please?