.it is not what good girls do. (c)

[saoirse-rogha]

no, i dont even know your name. it doesnt matter.
you are my experimental game, just human nature.

xxx

i should admit that, last week partly was a definite blur.
i remember myself waking up in a hotel in the early morning,
i remember the fact (i forgot), the gps in my phone was still so working.
so it was not hard enough to insert a password and check where i was.
i remember, i did break the promise i had given quite long enough gone.

to put the story simple, things got nasty.
at least we are nice to do the hell out of hearts easily. when we are at it.
i knew so many knew words, as divorce through the court, consolation
money (more than you can pay in all you life), the conses of infidelity.
the common problem with the infidelity if that everyone does it, but well
when it is going official, you are completely and immensively fucked up w
i mean, we would have never done it. the agreement was quite different.

so i was just thinking about one thing - if you cut, you do cut along.
not across. i would say, we were close enough to the very nastiest.
48 hours of a pure hell made.

surely, we are already back to the usual.
he just managed to spend 3000 euros in one day and lost two jobs,
where i managed to not sleep and eat two days, cut out some body
with my scissors (the carpets got bloody..) and realized one thing.
there is a reason why drunk sex is highly not recommended. aww.
i feel with my heart that it will cost me another 1000 euro to harm my body.
never been so far before, impressed myself. the feeling is disgusting enough.

i mean, do i find myself guilty? partly, of course. in the end of the day,
i am not loyal. and the problem is not even about sex (i would say the most
beautiful sex in the world doesnt cost the price i am gonna pay for that all),
sex is the most easy thing to forgive. the problem is choosing something
over something. to choose staying night except of coming home. yups.
but as well i can say that am i not pushing to that, i am not doing it for sure.

but half a year of scary dark mansion, alone. i am. alone. nights, nights.
when my solitude goes ravish, it is the very least thing i am going to do.
and a poor guy wasnt even realizing how much of random thing he was.
probably, still in love with me. now i am speaking about my partner, though.
wish we could met in other circumstances and probably in other time.

hell with the money, bro already managed to get his job back magically.
everything left to do is to finish my eternal nausea in a couple of weeks.
i cant believe, though.
that is what you got for being unaccurately random. sweet randomness.
Oliver told me once that when your karma turns back on you and literally
speaking starts fucking you, it fucks you as hard as only karma can.)

i am far not a good person. neither the person, i am married to is.
only, i am always fighting with my wish to go somewhere and dont return.
and even i, even i have a limit for forgiveness, i guess. for all these years
i have been forgiven the things, it will take a usual human some lives to forgive.
or maybe even not forgive at all. and if i feel guilty, i feel it only slightly within.

i know, i cant change myself.
here should be the sign - kids, dont make example out of Isabelle.
you definitely wont end good.

but again and again, i am out of the mess anew and in continuation.
just, this time it is really disappointing. so it will take me probably
some long longest time before i will go somewhere again on intention.

already told bro, though how beautifully nice the hotel was.
looking forward to hit it with him instead of choosing the strangers.(

welcome back home, again.