this world has one definite minus - it is really easy to get used to.
it is even easier to start taking all the things for granted and stop valuing.
it is easy like hell to get used to the bad. following definite patterns and all.
i am not a good person. i never was and hardly will ever be.
even though i promised that next time i will hang myself up, i know too well
that i am as well bad at keeping promises as so way better being myself..
during last two years i commited so many sins that if i list them all up
it will run along for several lives in full and surely it is far beyond even.
because good things i do ocasionally in a mood. and no matter how
you look at it, so-called infidelity is the least of all the bad pattern game.
not that i am not forgiven, not giving future compensation for being good,
becoming less egoistic of feeling freaking irritated cos of my current condition.
not that i am happy of losing a couple of people in the process. they were nice.
but i can not just take the fact, that i can not have everything i want.
that the actions i do, should be restricted by some rugulations,
that there are some definite things that i definitely should bring on the table.
that i cant only take because up untill now i took everything and even more.
bad things are coming easily.
since i am lacking some moral stability, i dont find myself guilty either.
i wish i could had that feeling, though. because flawing is easy itself.
you just should stop caring and let yourself go, but the only problem is
it is immensely difficult to restrict yourself. to follow the conditions again.
i mean, yes. i am sad and trying to put a guilt on another person.
that my freedom was limited, that i had to give some strange promises,
for example of becoming the person, everyone knows i wont become.
taking the fact, that i have everything in this world. i am home, happy.
having enough money, status, people around love me. i am cared about.
i am still thinking that i am being taken away something important.
that is the problem, obviously. it is never enough, no matter how much i have.
even when my freedom was limitless. i never actually felt satisfaction moment.
okay, i will give a go to be better. a little bit. maybe.
i negotiated for the two weeks till my face became blue honestly.
thinking only about my amazing adorable self. well, i got nothing.
except the possible money compensation. for me being good, aw.
maybe it is enough already, though.
for the last two years i did things with the range of the lifetime.
that was nice, i still think.)