swords, apparently.
i mean, i truly can not be mad at those, whom i chose myself.
trying to put a blame simply would meant that i dont know how to.
and night, of all the people i am surely the one who definitely do.
(there is a part of sarcasm in it, sures). my problem is that maybe
i am too much self-centered, self-righteous, self-assured, self- etc.

i can explain in three simple words what i want from my partner,
but there is nothing applicable to the reality with my highest demands.
i wish i could be into someone, like me more mm.. heartedly. sincerely.
taking the blames, sacrificing, neglecting my pride and disobedience.
the experience gives the facts that even roleplay is way too much for me.
lol.

and of all those numerous cases, people i have met, people i have been with,
there are hardly even several cases which *could have been something*. aww.
could have been, not were. but even in those ones were so many but and either.

i am trying to finish that damn letter and i dont know what to write, honestly.
through the hour i created a great piece of art, finest subtle illusion, just that.
but some memories are so sweet to lie about them, saying something like
you know, i loved you all along and i am so sad that we actually parted then!*
pff. i am trying to find words for gratitude, but all that i am going to dance with
is: are you really not going to sleep with me anymore? are you stupid or what? :O

the sense of perfection in all of us, yups.

i caught up on the run that it is not the greatest way either. but it was too late. w
it does not make me any wiser or patient, contrary makes everything in me worse
and make me even more and neverendingly messed up. because i will never dare
to play these people simply because i dont have a single clue how to do that right.
i am not being played either. and that is why the lack of agony and rough side is on.
and what is the point to be kind, when there is no other way anyway. and no stairs.
just falling, faster and faster. i adore it every time, but wtf with the every ending
there is just no every ending. and that is kinda sad.

i used to think that it would happen to everyone, but not us. not us, included.
that the natural law can be overdone, that there is nothing else to be waiting for.
that we are surely good enough to share in between even the hardest roles too.
i can not say i came out of surprise when it started fail from the beginning. m.
but i did not stop and now it is just messy, but permanent personal style. w

can not be helped. seems.
...
наконец-то накупила себе косметики и заплатила за электричество. счастье.
а сенсей купил себе еще один домик в горах (зачем ему еще один когда
у него и так их несколько десятков?..) и всей гурьбой надо ехать в Нагано.
звучит как мука, но все что надо делать это пить и есть и праздновать покупку.
хотя спасибо и на том что подождали моего благостного возвращения с севера.
куда же новый год праздновать и без меня.) кому еще выбирать десерты..

еще ведь и денег дадут, но так неохота ехать в субботу в горы и снег.
завалюсь в онсен и буду мечтать о том как я скорее перееду в новый дом.
осталось всего несколько месяцев а возможно даже в апреле уже удастся.)
забавно что на весь Токио есть только два места где я хочу и могу проживать.
поэтому выбор остается только за размерами и новизной. у меня такой пункт
на старые дома, что кроме тех что построены позавчера меня не интересуют.
поэтому и переплачивать придется в три раза, я чувствую.(

никакой древности не хочу.