three winter airports, lipstick from ives saint lauren, long nights at Hilton.
sometimes i so desperate need this solitude to be with my own thoughts.
to become separated from home just to think over everything, i am into.
to be just with myself, alone. to call down and remember all the names.
that is funny that every time, i take my flight from Tokyo i think one name.
on my way back i think another. my life sucessfully getting its natural course.

always. always did. and always i suffer like hell before it comes.

i mean, only one year ago i was sitting here, typing another words.
looking forward to that badly, it was almost taking my heart out..
and i fucked it up. okay, we fucked it up. in a pretty much short time.
i mean, i know. when we have to go, there is no use recalling bad.
all we have to remember is a light. and there was such a great story.
even now i feel the endless gratitude for everything, i learnt back then.
for that he never hurt me. he never raised his voice. he always cared.

but i let it go. willingly. i let it go because the person near me is perfect.
his kidness, care and attention is so endless that every other person i
do automatically see as incomlete.. as not enough for me to even love.

but i do admit. i mistaken. i want it back. and i cant have it back.
and it is not that i cant go on living without it. the one thing i learned
is to let everything go. truly. smiling. remembering only good sides.
and probably i can. but now is the period when i so much want it back.

the decision is not yet made and it wont be made by me.
i will accept the either of. yes or no. and no i will accept. honestly.
but just that feeling that one year ago it was so close and bright..
and was such different in the reality makes me sick and tired much.

i will let it go for sure, but before that i beg. i beg for my life to forgive.
yes, forgive my mistakes. and i dont know how, because the talk is cheap.
and i can not meet face to face, so the only talk is left. talk with no answers.
i swear, i would even beg for no because no answer sucks. not knowing too.

i mean, why it went so difficult? for us, it should have been easy to pass and go.
or return back. without feeling, without regrets. leave in the mornings, go back
at nights, not asking about reasons, wishes, hearts.. the problem is that, yes.
someone felt. against the agreement, made. and another problem is that, yes.
i dont know, who felt stronger about everything, happening.

but if it is no in any case, i will be gratitude. anyway. for all.