they keep sending me hearts and flowers. i am pleased. i am happy.
on the contrary, i am always looking out for those, i try to keep close.
no matter how fucked up, complicated and harsh all of them are, yes.
i love them all if that is the closest word i can use. and if it is not love,
it is the closest i have ever been myself. these relations are so difficult.
but very simple at the same time. we just keep looking out for each other.

but i keep on shouting out the name of that person, who never did this.
he never sent me hearts, never was back to me right away, making wait.
he never hurt me, but it was the most awful relation i have ever accepted.
of all the people i have ever met and night, i have met lots.

i should have stopped it until it had begun. surely.
because i cant say that i did not know how it would be.
because i knew exactly how, i took it. and here we are.
fucked up. messed. humiliated. with a broken pride too.

i cant find that me that would say all the right words. harsh words.
because first, i cant accuse my own nature of being misunderstood.
i cant be mad on someone, who keeps quite right the same heart.
because second, no matter how bad it was, he never did anything.
that would have hurt me even if i would have been feeling something.
there was that definite distorted kindness, i wish had been not there.
at all.

the needed words are clean up your own mess before messing me.
but i will never say them. i am likely to say - geez, i loved you so.

well, i mean. no tragedies.
the line of people, eagering to be by my side is endless. lucky i am.
it is just, i was never told no in my life never. oh, my self-esteem?..

how bad it was. it was great. in all its absurd and glory.
that is why i can not adjust to the fact that i let it go.((
myself, in the first place. not being able to play obedience.
i wish i could, i wish i could.
with two morbidly proud angled distorted selfish species,
one had to be obedient only once in a while, for the best.
the hell i would have argh.

close to the happy ending, though.
i am tired to wait while other ones are waiting.