in Italy, which i love dearly, before the New Year they threw away all the old furniture.
just as that, from the windows. to start with something new and without any regrets.
this year, i do too. to get myself rid off not decent connections and stupid mistakes.
just as that, i stood before my family with only one hope to not hear them saying those
damned *we told ya so*. i am old. like very old. tremendously fucking experienced in
that shit, that humans call affection and love. but i do not resemble why i did agree to
put myself through another adventure for love graal and convinced myself that it is worth it.

i am so old. i say it.
love is not just a simple passion, good sex, heart connections, souls entwined, words words.
it is somewhere, where you can trust yourself to hell, being able to rely on no matter what.
and i found myself feeling, that if tomorrow we start another war all of a sudden and flags burn.
i will not be able to feel secure that my so called partner will stand beside me when bridges fall.
that he would not come running to another side, which i hate deeply, that he would not give away
my secrets, tactics, hobbies and ways i like to do things just because i do not know it acknowledged.

and i thought, what did we do for this past year all along.
and i thought, how sharp i inhale the meaning of the word decent.

it can be about money, but it is not. it is all small things, chained to the last decision.
where you can hardly even trust the man, it seems to be logical that you close the house.
i love my family. i would never jeopardize it over someone anymore. though, i am so sad i did.

the closest of close calls has happened tonight.
all i see ahead of me are my lawyers, signs to sign, bar to close and family Christmas.

i have my faults. i make reckless decisions, move on heart i once had, play blind.
that is why i always seal so many papers on divorces and reconciliations. honestly.
but this time i am perfectly sure that there wont be another chance to reconsider.

live and learn, girl.
you can have your hell, but you do the misses.