четверг, 29 июня 2017
14:13

~cat, catter, the cattest (c)

be bad, be mine.
there was time, when i was working for people.
respectively, hated it to my bones all the times.
hated the thing, that you can not choose your own customers.
but on the other side, no management of any kind was asked.

i always tell my men, that is it not money, that win in the end.
you can have so much gold, it blinds you. but if you do not
how to make it work, you are going to be just half away from goal.

i am a good trader. one of a kind, maybe.
but it is not that you know your items well, that makes you best.
you just have to know, who would possibly make the best bid.

no matter what you sell.
drugs, teddy bears, your body.

the meaning of a good network is not exaggerated, honestly.
...
i am 27.
so much to be in charge of, my head is to explode sometimes.
but i will never have any need to work for someone ever again.
only my HK buyer can put me at ease with his so perfect taste.
when you sleep with people, some of them choose to make it personal.
some of them make it a base to work harder, aim for the shooting stars.

not bad, actually.

i do not like half-ways.amalgamation is my favorite word.
my blood is not connected to the people, who chose to raise me.
but that does not mean, that i am not in with my whole.

it is like a summoning the devil.
you can not be half in and half out. precisely, you already in.

aw.
they put La Reina del Sur in Netflix. i adore the book, excessively.
for so many things the screen is idealized. like watching a fairytale.

this year cakes were fabulous!
they baked me like six of them, creamy and all.

thank you for making me feeling blessed.
i guess?

@темы: refined cruelty, in all its grandeur, our morbidly pleasant place

URL
четверг, 15 июня 2017
11:04

~all is relative, babe.

be bad, be mine.
these days rich seems to me like something,
when you do not really know how to choose the cake,
you just buy all three: tiramisu, raspberry and chestnut.
not because you can possibly eat it, because it is faster.

near my birthday, my boys always tend to say,
there are those, who will not live to the next one.

it is so refreshing, night.
do not actually give a damn about the meaning of the day.

just want the cake?

i am in charge of so many things.
what is left of my soul is so much old.

have everything, aim for the ultimate balance.
eliminate the rest.

aw. buy the house in Barcelona, maybe?
i LOVE Gaudi. and Florida Hotel is my fav.

No puede estarse quieto,
me llamo mar, repite..

i think, i mentioned.
we all speak Spanish.

@темы: in all its grandeur, dreams, we're dreaming, our morbidly pleasant place

URL
среда, 10 мая 2017
08:51

~you are exquisite, babe.

be bad, be mine.
you know, i adore some of the AV stars.
their abs is totally worth it, i would definitely wanna steal.
these days i think about of why should i be less gorgeous?

i hate running. it makes my chest explode, i come out of breath..
i can easily take 100 sit-ups in a row. but my. running? running?
but my guys make me believe, somehow it is gonna prove me right.

we`ll see, they say.

URL
пятница, 28 апреля 2017
12:52

~distant refined elegy in your hands.

be bad, be mine.
you know what is bliss?

when the board votes 93.4% to send the hell out the person, you hate most.
it is a strange irony, when you own everything, but still need the damn vote.
i am not about being rightful. the deals are closed and the dead man, walking.

when the voice of your retail agent is dark, poisonous sex.
since we got back together he is all about *let us go steady, babe*
and not fuck it up like four hundreds times before this time. argh.

there is a loyalty, a good sex, a tattoo with an alchemical sun.
what else do i possibly need?

how i love that deep, closed tone of his voice.
i love that voice, that shows a broken, unsaved soul. never changing.
but still it is somehow impossibly enchanting to hold it in your hands.
...
my new neighbor is highly related to the mafia.
should i go bake a strawberry cake or just give out some vinyl bags?

hey, i am friendly.
i just have a lot of curves.

@темы: dreams, we're dreaming, our morbidly pleasant place

URL
понедельник, 10 апреля 2017
13:54

.no tangles of coercion, though.

be bad, be mine.
it always takes one to know one.

@темы: refined cruelty, raving all around, our morbidly pleasant place

URL
13:44

~wouldn't trade it, love me jaded.(c)

be bad, be mine.
i love my days off for a still slow lifetime.
to roll in my 9 fur layer bed, eating pizza.
(my boys told me: just roll the day off, till we`r back)
watching stupid TV programs, drinking self-made highballs.

thinking how would i spend my birthday?
the only answer is on the 42 floor of my astonishing Conrad hotel.
they have those glass plates, completely awesome with that menu.
like worldwide tour and breathtaking view over the tiny little humans.
have to arrange it later, brainwashing staff whatsoever to be perfect.

you know, i can not relate to usual people.
it is like, when you are doing a dangerous job or selling drugs?
(i could be the cutest drug dealer in the whole freaking world, night!)
or when your family is a part of a syndicate, or running red lights business?
or.. when you are broken, fallen, distinguished as hell, but still those special
people love the fuck out of you, saying nothing about the borderline shit. ever.

that is, where you you find yourself difficult to acquire simple things.
for me it is impossible to understand how it might value to receive a promotion?
to have a child? to chill with your bestie in a morning cafe, talking about guys?..
when i run into some bad service, i always tell myself something like [hey, lads.
i can buy you all. your restaurant, and ten another, or probably make you all fired?]

not because i find some sad satisfaction in being rich and restless.
but because it is nice to remind myself, that almost all the things ain`t matter.
to me, to us. because it is likely that i can turn almost every situation to my side.

i like to sit in my local indian restaurant early in the morning.
spinach curry, Taj Mahal, elephants cute like hell itself and silence.
when you can pay for every thing in this damn world, silence is worthy.

i like cherry blossoms and horses, i like to cuddle cats.
i am watching Grey`s Anatomy for already 13 years.
it is so perfect, i might be even getting touched at times.

i never lose in a fight.
my best friend gave me the knife scar, that would never be erased.
i can probably withstand any kind of pain possible and never complain.
but we never hold grunges.

because we are family.
and the world never matters.

anyone else?

@темы: always, aiseru, our morbidly pleasant place

URL
понедельник, 20 февраля 2017
08:23

~Lux aeterna.

be bad, be mine.
on my days off i am a good girl, a good wife, a straight lady.
i wake up early, dress up in my favorite emerald skirt, Max Mara, Chanel ring..
i am all up for the pancakes, but the shop is closed, so i buy a roll cake instead.
along with all those strange ladies in their 30s, who amazingly just do not work.
sitting home, rotting, spending money that aint theirs. something i can not ever get.

they call me mom. it is a strange feeling, when you come back to your manor,
throw keys somewhere on the shelf, but they are already home, making it so warm.
we are.. how should i say it? not open, but quite welcoming. i often say that i hate it,
but i enjoy making my boys coffee, folding their clothes, going out to buy groceries.
sometimes your house is a mess, where official papers, money, blood towels and food
left overs are just mixed up in a hell. but i do not mind. it is not easy to raise a good gang.

it is good, that i can not bear my own children. i`d hate if i could, maybe. lucky i was, though.
i am so much better being a lover, than a wife or a mother.
already told that story a thousand times. it never changes.

no one can ever hurt me. or so they say.
when humans become bothering, i just gently roll up the sleeve.
i have the matching tattoo with my adorable king on the left hand.
somehow, usual people find it impulsing enough to give a 100m space.
thank you?

on weekdays i slash people down, count money and always on edge.
my eyes never return from black to blue. i am just always in distress.
every day the figures are fucked up and all i can hold on to is whiskey and sex.
oh, night. wish you knew how unbearable it is not to punch the shit out of them.
this saddens me so.

A. says, we should bear dignity and never haste.
i bear my dignity on weekends. and never more.

@темы: raving all around, in all its grandeur, our morbidly pleasant place

URL
понедельник, 06 февраля 2017
16:37

~whatever holds you through the night, babe.

be bad, be mine.
these days my life is all about porcelain, chandeliers and emeralds.
i can not imagine that some years ago i did not give a damn about stones.
now i can cut my buyers into half if they miss a little bit of a coloring. nah.

these days my life is not about forgiving. i was raised in a nice dear hell.
they taught me, that atonement is nothing more, than one misinterpreted word.
probably, that is why in our work we never give the second chance. if you miss,
shoot.. and there is nothing more to be grieving about. nothing more to uphold.

there days my relationships is more about profit. night, i worship my family much.
but i just can not imagine, that there are still some souls in this world, who assume.
that i might be good. that i might be generous. that you can draw something more
for the point, that [but we used to sleep together?]. i used to sleep together with so
many people, that we might probably wedge another war if there was time for choosing sides.

i am a perfect trader. like, the best one.
i never deceive about the conditions of the agreement and the consequences.
but you know, it is like selling your soul. they never read the whole contract,
while trying to paint the pentagram right. and that is why they do always miss.

i am old, i have ten scars and a beautiful tattoo cover up.
i do not have time to feel.

you know?

@темы: in all its grandeur, dreams, we're dreaming, our morbidly pleasant place

URL
вторник, 24 января 2017
03:53

~i remember.

be bad, be mine.
do you know, what the scariest thing is?
not the fact that you won`t be able to touch me, speak to me, hold me close.
but the fact of those little moments, left. when you look back on me, speaking.
i will never find those matter to me again. i will never find anything you say, matter.

it is devastating to know, how easy i am to let go.
but i never forgive the broken promise.

which is maybe not so enough to get yourself killed.
but good enough to make you dead to me once and for all.

do not you get it, love?
i will never feel for you. anything. not a single sign.

i hated R. but we raised the hell together, he stole half of my money..
might he be alive i would break him down without any hesitation.
they say, our love was a legend. but nah, legends now are rotten.

but you, you.
you does not matter to me anymore.

and it is just so so sad.
believe me. one day you will wake up and feel all that devastation.
but there will be no one to save you from that eternal void inside.
that moment will definitely come. but we get just what we deserve.

i wanted to give you so fucking much.
a little kingdom and my own shimmering heart.

but that`d be nothing good from you ever since. i am sorry.

@темы: transparent poison, our morbidly pleasant place, black and white

URL
03:32

~you bet you know it, Satine.

be bad, be mine.
i guess, the true love (?) is actually silent.
i always detested those, who show off about their affections.
where the fact, who you actually sleeping with becomes larger,
than the person itself. some kind of a low, but ultimate pride, m?
i am good, but i do miss. even now i use to see people, for who
they might become, not for who they are. inspiring the change,
asking for the improvements, waiting for the important line to be crossed.
but they do not, you know? they just do not get better. maybe, when you
are with someone, it becomes flat on some phase. not steady, but flat.
you got yourself a place, i gave away the rank and somehow it is already
decided that it is no need to go higher. because the desired place is achieved.

he never shows off, how much he cares. not a single world of our times together.
even though there is a hell of a long history on our shoulders. just those line ups
of [向かう方向は一緒。」「安定をさせる。」they say, a perfect partner is the one who
can read you, when you do not say anything. all of a sudden he is just behind your back.
checking your conditions, saying how no matter your trouble is, holding your shoulder.

we grew apart to grow up so much.
i can not believe sometimes, that he is the person who held my hand that night.
neon lights, dark alleys, rats crossing your ways, old cigarettes and house on fire.

they say, there should be no chasing each other in a relationship.
you just build it together. you just aim higher. you just go steady.

what i love the most.
that for him i am not a queen. i am just that girl, he saved that night.

night, we can do so much together.
you can not even imagine.

i could never forget how that moment became eternity.

@темы: aiseru, in all its grandeur, dreams, we're dreaming, our morbidly pleasant place

URL
среда, 11 января 2017
09:15

~expanding the borders.

be bad, be mine.
the new relationships are hard to build, whether it is your lover or your buyer.
there is always that slight sense of mistrust, when you are waiting for something
bad to happen, the fight to face or the transaction, going down the hell wrong way.
the new bonds, they are so thick and so easy to be thrown away, shredded pieces.
because i do not know, how to react. i do not know, how my partner is to react.
with all those damages from wars, never ending betrayals and being betrayed.
it just leaves you with that incurable disease, where you can not find yourself able to trust.
when the bad happening always comes first. when it is already over before it is even started.

then you just give up and slip away. but.
then you wake up to a 3 million ring in your shopping cart. he is laughing.
because it is not something of a big deal, it is easy and he knows i will be pleased.

i always thought that with all my scars and burns from all those nights, when i was young
and knife always came before words, the nights, where you stand in the rain before your
own manor, bleeding and it seems that nothing comes right again and you keep falling..
i always thought that these hands, what they have become, they are not for diamonds?
just do not match with all those shine, sparkling and the sense of the absolute stability.

he proved me wrong. maybe.
he taught me how to stay still, again.

that is why i found myself able to keep on trying. to get used to the new borders.
to teach them, what i am and how actually it is to be a part of this wretched golden royalty.
it is not easy, i am always half way to run away, to change, to exchange my own deals. nah.

patience, it takes me soon?
...
cancelled the thing. i mean, night.
i can buy a whole of other bunch of fur with 3 million.

he says he would never pin me down, if i wretched his new car.
it reminds me how i was about to crack into someone Maserati,
but that guy just stopped, turned down the window, smiled and give me a way.

he says, when you actually have a lot of money, it does not matter.
you can buy another, or ten hundred of other cars. it is not a big deal.
it made me so moved, i actually think about it once in while.

maybe.
the say, i do not have a soul. these days.

@темы: in all its grandeur, dreams, we're dreaming, our morbidly pleasant place

URL
вторник, 27 декабря 2016
13:06

~i bet you can`t do them half as good as me.(c)

be bad, be mine.
it is not easy to sit in a big wooden throne.
you money might be endless, but the long shifts are nasty and exhausting.
sometimes your body just shuts off and all you can do is pills and portions.
- do you want to do the rides tonight? someone asks.

i think, that all i want to do is you. then you look back at me, and i know.
that you know exactly what i think. and you can not stop fucking laughing.
and it is mess, mess, mess.

i will give you another ring, instead of the one, that you are wearing.
and it is just not gonna be way out for the all freaking eternity. easy?

they say, the true love does not require torture, love.
you just take what you need when you need it.

it is gonna be another couple of days, i guess?
...
i assume, that the perfect lover is the one who can buy his girl chocolate
and text something like [babe, we ain`t have any condoms left..T^^T]
at the same time. you can be both. and i love the both sides of this flip.
even when you are hanging your subordinates, i adore you no any less.

i am tired of this year. my lawyers are tired.
i just want it already to be ended once for all.
and then, begin again.

night, he buys chocolates. who does that, still?

@темы: refined cruelty, aiseru, in all its grandeur

URL
05:07

~slippery, when wet.

be bad, be mine.
it is hard to work, when all you want to do is cuddle.
so you desperately copies your partner`s scarf design.
just a little something in common until the long day is over, so you can merge.
that is amazing, how simple things become difficult, when you`re loaded
with the affections, hopes and anticipations that humans use to call love.
you can not stand near and just pass the papers, ask what time it is or
how it would be best possible to go to the solution of your project. nah.

suddenly you just start laughing our of nothing, though the question is not funny.
but the last night was hell, and all the details just won`t let your head alone. w
it is so confusing, so you just keep staring at him until the moment is all over.

i keep on wondering, how we meet people. how we once meet them and think nothing.
we pass through, longing to the other affections, other delusional targets and interests.
he might be a hell of a lover, but in the long run there are shadows, angles, scars, blood.
there are days, when you want to take that scarf and just hang him up without consideration.

my heart is old. i am not of the good ones. i do bad things.
i have my hell on my shoulders, i have a bunch of guys to raise and control. they are worse.
i had to sit the long nights with my lawyers to get what is mine and admit that not every dream,
that you might be dreaming is righteous, that the king, that crowned you actually suck and
your kingdom is hanging on a thread, where instead of Christmas, there is a civil war on front.

my buyers say, that i built my empire with sex and money. pressing people, pressing charges.
it is not easy to handle your darkness and darkness of all your subjects at the same time.
there are those strange words, like profit, economy, adherence to one`s faith, defaults?..
but there is only one thing that will keep you solidly where you stand, and the thing is fear.
fear is better, than respect even when you achieve to have both. it makes good connections.
it is not sweet. you turn or you get turned around is just as simple as the mechanism works.

but when he asks you if you want to share a piece of your crown with him, it is just.
butterflies, butterflies. they all know that you can not just be in or be out in two weeks.
you take my jaded heart, you have to face all of them. all of my little dear monstrous faces.
there is just that point of no return, when you can not go back.

my hell is not easy. but it is mine, after all.

@темы: refined cruelty, in all its grandeur

URL
понедельник, 14 ноября 2016
13:18

~castles and orchids.

be bad, be mine.
i love Chinese historical films.
it reminds me of how shallow the human beings became.
they do not build empires anymore, they can not recall how
to dance with the orchids, how to tame the panther, how to
wage on wars and borders, how to write your own history.

i will keep my harp singing, i will keep my castles standing.
i will not betray my vows, i will paint the flower to the bottom.

today is lavender bath.
i wish i could return 3000 years earlier, night.
they had nothing, but they had so much more.

now only the Wall keeps standing, but everything other is lost.
so tragic, so fragile.

@темы: in all its grandeur

URL
среда, 09 ноября 2016
15:28

~bedside flatlines.

be bad, be mine.
last time i was in the hospital, when i was 21.
i cut my wrists, it became messy, someone called ambulance,
they discharged with a lot of strange meds, there was bunch of police,
handcuffs, interrogations, i was angry like hell and nothing made sense.
angry mostly because i did live, even though i did not give a shit about it.

one year after, i learned that life on crossroads, a little tequila, sex, money.
a little of something needed can change every angle of procrastination.
really. i did not find any free minute to kill myself (or think about it) ever since.

i spent the night of Sunday in ER. do you know how much it fucking cost?
3000S for one night, where that stitching IV drove everything out of me.
you can not move and it hurts, you try to move and it hurts even more. nah.
your adorable doctor, being in charge (so much for doing if you were more alive?)
is holding your hand and telling you it is okay, but you can not drink because there
is a chance you will bleed out in hours and throw up your viscera right away.

i am a tough girl, they taught me good.
probably that is why i got lucky and got away with just a hell of bruising.
no corsets, no hamburger instead of my internal organs, not much bleeding.

i do not know.
it is not that i desperately wanted to live. it does not matter much, anyway.
my job is not safe, you can not predict that you will see another christmas.
but i love my boys, i love my family, they probably need me more than alive.
my regeneration level is thrilling, three days past and i am as good as new. (almost)
after the collision (MVC is tough shit, yeah) flew front around 5 meters straight.
i might have done circus, folks.//

bought myself a lot of expensive clothes for the celebration of this day.
happy like an elephant. getting ready to burn the chicken for the Eve.)

@темы: aiseru, in all its grandeur, our morbidly pleasant place

URL
вторник, 25 октября 2016
14:27

~Tuesday.

be bad, be mine.
my humans say, i am bossy and aggressive.
if i were a rooster, they`d say i have leadership skills. (c)

usual Tuesday is a lunch in my favorite Hong Kong restaurant,
a lazy afternoon in my company, i am managing so lazily too.
walked in after several months of absence, they still treated me
ice-cream and cakes, left a short happy note in a note greeting.
went to ridiculously expensive spa, which comes as a bunch with
this company. spent there wonderful one hour in Japanese sake bath.
found new apartments, designer`s mansion, red kitchen, concrete walls.
they say, they built it for me, especially.

today it is working 12 hours straight again, but it is okay.
hell on my shoulders is not light and damn not easy at all.
but, we will manage. i will be fine. i always am.

@темы: dreams, we're dreaming, our morbidly pleasant place, black tuesdays

URL
пятница, 14 октября 2016
10:56

.

be bad, be mine.
when i was a child, all i wanted to be is rich.
when i was 19, i hated those crossroads but honestly thought,
all the roads lead to hell, anyway. so let`s just be rich already.

now, when i am actually diamond loaded i do think.
that all that matters is only when you can share it with someone.
like, i do not know. throwing diamonds from 60th floor and be happy?

i think, those who rich alone are sad.
and sad life is worthy of quite nothing.

@темы: refined cruelty

URL
10:49

.

be bad, be mine.
hooked on antibiotics. life is great.
working 12 hours straight without pain killers is not so.
my legs are bruised and covered in strange blue color.
being vice CEO (i am bad with corporate titles, accurately) is nice.
he is doing all the speeches and i just do the harsh scene work.

when they ask, why do i love myself. (i love myself heaps, people!)
i always say that i am good with Chanel, i am good with screwdriver.
i can do both and be great at both. good at screwing people as well.

i do believe, that my cartel is golden, my family is golden like sun.
we all have out faults, scars and mistrust issues, but time goes on.
we never change.

i forgot to return DVD again. they charged me hundred. shit, nah?
but we do not fight over these small issues and i am so so happy.
like a big fed elephant.

avocado burgers are great this year.
i am going to Santorini somewhere next year. need nothing else.

@темы: aiseru, in all its grandeur, our morbidly pleasant place

URL
пятница, 23 сентября 2016
09:36

~autumn waterfalls.

be bad, be mine.
i remember, how you were looking for something down there.
and i leaned close to a stranger, because something seemed curious.
another day you were telling me, that i know for sure that on my
wedding day (that is a sad sad thing that i got married so many times,
and never had a chance for various reasons to wear one single dress)
i will wear Vera Wang, but i can not what i will want tomorrow morning.
but here and now, we want the same thing for our family, for us, for them.

i could never imagine that this man, who was looking younger, but somehow
35+, was hiding all long beautiful tattoo on his left arm under black sleeves,
was willing to give me so much, having those old scars just beneath the mouth.
(i just love us, having scars. it reminds me of what tremendous shit i went through.)
it is like i do not know, you went through wars and battlefields and that is a memory.
somehow like that.

i mean, i was sitting there disappointed about my not loyal fucked up subjects.
something about my company went so damn wrong and i was drowning deep.
he just withdrew the money, bought me a new place, let me choose the staff.

i mean, who does that?
is that what eternal love is for?
how many millions does it cost?

i have no access to the main account, and i do not need to.
i have a new company, i fired all the stupid clowns and i am happy.
because sometimes there is something much more than you can see.

i am old. i have seen so much. i have thrown away so much.
but it is so.. freedom and light to have someone had your back.
安定感。

and it occurred to me, i think on Lambeth Road
there's no more need to question life
or cry for what i'm owed. (c) DPT

@темы: in all its grandeur, dreams, we're dreaming, our morbidly pleasant place

URL
среда, 17 августа 2016
11:31

~it was what it meant to fall.

be bad, be mine.
very often, i adore animals. i do.
they mate for life, they do not know how to be in distress, how to betray.
they hunt, but they would never throw a war against it is own kind. never.
it feels bit the same when you are in a cartel. (i just love the word cartel,
obviously it spells another way). you have the same tattoo on the back
of your wrist, back, down your arm and it just means you can not go out.
you can die, maybe. you can cease your being, but never leave. never.

that it is to the point, where i try so hard to look for my business partners.
they ask me, what is making you a good CEO? and i just think, damn you.
i have to consider how much money i want to make, how i love this person,
how good at making profits he is, how unbelievably hot he is and how good
and bad it is to close within your own family. maybe it is better to go outside,
make new profits, i mean we are all rich like hell, but there is always way to expand.

my boys ask me this morning, shining the sarcasm all down those black lines.
hon, you said you were gonna be tremendously happy at your second marriage?
how did it exactly turn out?

okay, i love unicorns.
i learned that sex, war and traumatized disclosure is poor mixed.
i got myself out. it was nasty and bad, bad, bad. it was so wrecked.

but i am good at market.
i should mate with my potential co-workers with grace and for life.
like where nobody can get out before this life circle will finally end.

but i just want to movies, i want to buy that 2mil apartment, i want Mazer,
i want to shut down the front doors and just keep doing that person all alone.
i do not want to choose, somebody choose for me, please, please, please.

sometimes some things are just inevitable.

@темы: in all its grandeur, our morbidly pleasant place

URL