среда, 31 января 2018
16:14

~winter elegy, chariot runs.

be bad, be mine.
i adore those, who can craft.
might it be beautiful stalactite rings or handmade ceramics.

i mean,
i adore Chinese porcelain to collect it till my last breath.
i adore some Chanel cruise collections and that Gucci parka.

but there is something such inevitably breathtaking,
to create something with all that you have been left with.
the last pieces, the beautiful moments, just all yourself.

some days i would just have myself surrounded with craftsmen.
choosing my new dream catcher (they ask: is that Indian, girl?)
swimming on the waves of joy about that Dior Tarot series.
(i love Death, but Moon is also as beautiful as Chariot)

some days i would just have myself surrounded with warriors.
i am a warrior. (i love that Demi tattoo, aw) i am always, too.
but being tasty never hurts.

it is freaking cold this winter.
my bed could hold just that many bodies.

@темы: dreams, we're dreaming, our morbidly pleasant place

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вторник, 09 января 2018
04:00

~2017: a last minute deal.

be bad, be mine.
that 2017 has had to be a year of a full recovering,
but ended up in another devastating fucked up line.
i assume, i did better, than i planned. or as they planned.
i did great, working weeks straight, breaking all the bones.

but i would have given up my hand to not feel that day.
it is not even devastating, it is more like someone just m.
scooped your guts out with a spoon and threw them away.
if i had a heart to feel, i do believe it has had been shattered.

but i want to believe, i stayed with the right guys.
who believe in a long run of a solid damn eternity.
who won`t shake, won`t break, won`t blur on me.

if we were still in medieval ages, i would put the ones,
who do on trial and cut the heads without better thinking.
but we are not and i am out of a drop of solidarity on this one.

i just want to pass this to someone,
i just want to laser out that leg tattoo.
i just want to go to Cuba like a month or two.

the bright side?
there is still someone, who tends to say
tu eres la mujer de mi vida.

i mean, is that okay to be me?
i said [i am going to spend an eternity with you]
two times in my life and both particularly failed.

they say,
third time is a charm.

@темы: in all its grandeur, our morbidly pleasant place, house at the end of the world

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среда, 20 декабря 2017
12:29

~maybe she is crazy, maybe she just needs carbs.(c)

be bad, be mine.
night, i hate women of this world.
that is what surrounding makes me, i guess.
but i adore those powerful beautiful entities.
a hollywood babe, a wife of the senator, my.
how strong you need to be to face all those people every day, girl?

me? i am just a queen of my land.
have nothing to prove, have nothing to give.
except a half scarred hand and half cover up.

only learned how to define Chanel voyage models,
because my clients always did and it seemed so fun.
hated brands, now have them falling from the shelves.

maybe, i die tomorrow.
but i would never trade my happiness to drink a dollar
strawberry booze in a park for my celebrity friend life.

they say, it is not us, who choose.
the choices have already been made.

@темы: in all its grandeur, our morbidly pleasant place

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понедельник, 18 декабря 2017
10:52

~daily routine.

be bad, be mine.
my buyer makes all the excuses, because they like do not
close me up on my favorite color, even if it is xmas ahead.
instead, i would rather buy 15 bags of the same color, because
all of us have deadlines and charts to fill. oh my, whatarusaying?

they have a good series from Gucci, you know.
[what will you do with all this in the future?].

do i need 15 simonetta ravizza bag?
am i good in retail or just have no other way?
should i just give the universe up and go with the last color?

there are so many people, that better be dead this week.

bought a chocolate cake for my boys.
we all hate birthday guts, just another day to
eat cakes, spend a lot of money, wish for the moon.

it is so easy to love equally.
because all their flaws are different to even start to compare.

@темы: in all its grandeur, our morbidly pleasant place, house at the end of the world

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вторник, 12 декабря 2017
08:54

.blindness is all you`ve got, babe.

be bad, be mine.
when the hell is excessively hard on your shoulders,
it is nice to sleep next to someone, you do not know.
no appliance, just the old stress reliever.

if they did done the presents to the good kids only,
i am out for life.

thank you.

@темы: in all its grandeur, our morbidly pleasant place

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вторник, 05 декабря 2017
10:40

~A veces lo que hace falta es perdonar.

be bad, be mine.
but sometimes, not.

let`s say, your family is somehow more, than blood.
you have the matching ink, you are soul mates till death do us part. (and after)
does that mean, that you have to force it on, when you do fail your role?

because, we are family.

the stronger the link, the harder it is to know,
when you have to hold the ultimate forgiveness.

because, we are family. you have to cut me loose.

that is all i hear these days.

they say, the wars are easier, than love.
in war you do not have time to think, you act or you die.
when you are our of war, you do have time to mingle yourself into the abyss.

are they less better, than you are? really?
because the blood is all you got to proof?
does it give the somewhat immunity when fail?
do you get a prime Xmas dinner sit, cos you are connected?

no, you do not.
what i learned from all these years, being menace.

i love those, who want to bleed for me, no matter what.
if there is a war tomorrow, if there is someone at the door.
if the color ain`t match, if i hate the guts our of that shit one.

i would choose to love those, who would stand by my side.
because it is just simple af. no transcendental issues here, brother.

if i put it down in one fucking line, it sounds as that.
they bend over backwards to prove, they are on board. not you.

you do know, we have lasers these amazing days.
they would wipe you out of the last something, you hold to prove.

he taught me not to forgive.
because sparing someone, you would definitely have it on you.

the curtain falls, only the decent stay.
i might be not a good sister, but i am a good queen.

me puedes quitar lo demas.
pero por favor dejame.

@темы: in all its grandeur, our morbidly pleasant place, house at the end of the world

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пятница, 17 ноября 2017
13:21

~llenando tu falta de amor.

be bad, be mine.
-how do you turn off your emotions?
-just go to the settings.
(c)

it is one month before Xmas and so much drama every year.
i do want to concentrate on ordering my framboise cake, but
something keeps circling me on other matters, which don`t resolve.

that is why i order a case of Italy wine instead.
for the hell sake, they say rose is good this year?

there is just time, when enough is enough.
so i do, i do wave your guns on somebody new.

a good king or a good leader knows, that there is no end.
eventually, you have to prove every day like it is your first.

i remember my first day, when the competition was over.
there were no cakes and candles, just the purifying truth.
you only are to win if you are stronger, than the others.
that no matter how badly bleeding or broken you are, you
keep fucking fighting. tomorrow, the day after that, again.

in our kind of job,
you can not just become grateful. you can not simplify things.
you can not throw mercy about and around just cos you want to.

here it is not a French historical movie.
where you can become a king by blood or where is someone, who
teach you how to. because no one, but yourself ever could. night.
you become soft and you get yourself a new year golpe de estado.

i hate the feeling.
when you know, you are right, but praise to everything you know
that you might be wrong. because it is just so, so, so.. frustrating.

we are painting the castle green.
i will ask them to wear my old wounds.
i will be sad for a while and drink a lot of wine.
but we will roll it through and thorough, no shit.

can i get my cake back, already?

@темы: dreams, we're dreaming, our morbidly pleasant place, house at the end of the world

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четверг, 02 ноября 2017
06:49

.devotion, but not devour.

be bad, be mine.
i do actually like to be human-like.
just ordered an archive for this diary to be safe.
for what it is worth, i did start it when i was 19.

night, there was SO MUCH.

sometimes it is not enough to die one time.
it takes you two or more, to become who you are.

to look up to someone blindly?
to cease the inner and outer wars?
to believe the hearts will stay?

well, i do not do this tremendous shit anymore.
what ever matters is blood, when it is your own.
dripping faster, than your coffee in a glass stand.

we are always born as someone.
but that does not matter, we have to stay that way,
or the way that is told to be the only possible to lead.

my guys love to say,
[if you cut my hand, i will grow another].

there are a lot of meanings to that, but the main one
standing is that the devotion will means the utmost.
in vitam aeternam.

simple as that.

@темы: in all its grandeur, our morbidly pleasant place, house at the end of the world

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вторник, 24 октября 2017
14:46

~la ruta de la seda.

be bad, be mine.
it is amazing, how rare i have my girly days.
if the moon alines damn right, maybe twice a year is allowed.
the days, when i can forget about bruises, endless numbers,
towels, soaked in blood and almost gone vertebral column.

when i can actually get up in the morning, take an early shower,
go to my favorite restaurant for lunch (they start hastling, saying
something about 'SEO came, is something wrong with this lettuce?
it colors strange.. i do not know, try to eat a little? maybe its all right')
and enjoy my Mexican burger with mojito (what is wrong with drinking
at 12 am??) and cup of coffee, which tastes a little bitter and nice.

then you still have a deal to make and your partner rolls his eyes up
and do not recognize you, because you wear a damn pink angora on.
so you have to swallow your 'it is my girly day today, ain't you aware?'
and slowly roll your sleeve up to show him the end of your ink to prove.

what is wrong with wear pink, anyway?

it is so rare, i can spend two hours in a mall (like the humans do)
and just wander around, trying on the things, i like, chatting with
young dull consultants and buy the staff, that i fell in love with.

only Dior X-mas items i never miss.
hustle myself like hell to get in line to get those beauties.
i have no doubts that my nose will heal itself to a proper form.
yet, it is nice to think that a good cosme you have, will just do.

and then you are back to monday's.
and it is never dawn again.

but that is okay.
i know i am never to get out of this.

@музыка: yandel&luis

@темы: dreams, we're dreaming, our morbidly pleasant place

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пятница, 13 октября 2017
08:11

~you will nevel smell, like you did before (c)

be bad, be mine.
sometimes, during rainy mornings i dwell.
would have it been different, if i could choose?
for something in my life, that was thrown upon.
making my insides suffocated, wrecked, detached.
making me screaming at nights and not feel anything.
would have it been better, if i succeed to die that day?

could you find a will in yourself to keep someone alive?
nope. for what it is worth, i can not even save myself.)

someone used to say, that i am like a beautiful pearl.
well, i guess i am not that shiny anymore. glittering?
i mean, does the pearls even have to be white and bright?
my best days are more of a like Haiti black pearl cargo.

to make a long story short,
i had better teachers.
i had better lovers.
i had better fights.

Oliver used to say, that i will make it through.

but i will never smell like a human being again.
in a count of eternity it has to be a little devastating.
but what do i miss?

compassion? mercy? anything likewise?
nope.

i am glad i could not have chosen.
...
they had that lagon color for the past year Hermes.
it is so relaxing, honestly. want to buy all the kinds.
turquoise? our blood is just as green as hell, nah.

beautiful.

@темы: down to amalgamation, our morbidly pleasant place

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вторник, 10 октября 2017
13:13

~abide by the rules. the rules are simple.(c)

be bad, be mine.
i am pretty much adoring the Saw series these days.
i mean, i have a degree in a psychotic behavior as well. though.

let us see how the autumn starts.
marron cakes, the scent of further X-mas, lemongrass blends.
the colors are bright and orange shimmering, the wind is tough.

it is when you have a couple of elder brothers,
who are your best friends, but most of a type to
*let us do the corpse* or *neglected for life* direction.

it is when it is good to be married to someone, who
is loyal enough to transfuse you a damn half of the blood.
(hell, we are all blinded and binding here for the eternity)

it is when you have those decent friends, who are hot af
and always drive you to the burgers when you are sad
and put a bloodshed for those, who appeared to fail you.

i just have to have a good care of my abs and my babes.

Balmain orange jacket is heavenly breathtaking.
take it or leave it. live or die. your choice.

oh, Samhain is coming.

@темы: orange maddening sun, our morbidly pleasant place

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вторник, 19 сентября 2017
14:42

~1736 entry.

be bad, be mine.
to make a long story short, i wrote this before the divorce.
(there were so many i can not count, but this was a legend. m)
for a long time i found myself happy to be married to a dragon.
girl, that is what you always wanted!

you fought like a child, without any defense, only blind attack.
without connections, those people who could easily back you up.
who really stand the side with you, when the war horn blows loud.

but the years have passed.
and the simple truth has become evident.

i am not just a girl with a dragon tattoo on a half of a back.
i am the dragon. that has been so chosen by her people
to lead them to the highlands of the black fortune and success.

down is quite about the partner, who heals.
do not have a soul and just shreds of a heart to give.

but we are taught to be grateful to the less.
...
>
sometimes i tend to think,
i had so many jacked up partners,
it comes hardly easier to me that.

he is really good to me. i mean, fit.

i am always prepared for something in advance.
locked doors, meaningless wars, stupid reasons.
but it is not coming. because this connection stays.

they say, connections are more dangerous than lies.
but, i do keep this one. i am a keeper. just so fragile.
i always see in shadows something that won`t come up.

what goes around comes around, nah.
a lot of fucked up garbage in the bed leads to the mad conscience.
and the reasons, whatever they are always have the consequences.

and i will show, how not nice the hell might be to those, who failed.
just because i am jacked up as well and i will not sleep well until
the revenge is done to the core where nothing and nothing is left.

it is not that i am hurt anymore.
but forgiveness comes harder to me these days.

i throw the hell on those, thus i can absorb in my love again.
...
you got me there, m?

@темы: 36 degrees, house at the end of the world, silent wars

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14:31

.

be bad, be mine.
i am a good person.
i do not hit an execution up to the third time.
(c)

we all need second chances, somehow.
but that is the wreck with the meaning.
second chances, they can not roll forever.

precisely speaking, it is one time deal only.

what is mercy?
what is for me in it?

@темы: 56 dawns

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14:27

.what would you do for love?

be bad, be mine.
one thing, i find hideous through all my hell of a life.
why, does the person, you opened a key to at night
choose to stay till the morning?

i mean, no way. right?
the feeling of frustration, when you open your eyes is damn.

it is not okay to want to be me.
or be with me.

just those, who fall deep could still relate.

@темы: violated rainbows

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вторник, 05 сентября 2017
13:02

~back in black.

be bad, be mine.
my to do list for the nearest future.

~wear a white lace dress in Hong-Kong jungles
~feed a big carrot to the Island little fur ponies
~drink cuba libre somewhere in San-Juan
~cuddle a cheetah in Port Elizabeth park

my wedding ring costs like a little Maserati.
i am so freaking sentimental, that i did get myself
that funny charm, you wear on a champagne glass.

that is amazing, how people become understanding,
when you tell them that you missed your interest payments,
because you were literally choking on your own damn blood.

they become like *ooh! we can wait another couple of weeks, hon.*
and i do not want to even think why my traders are the most compassionate.
makes me think, i am very well blessed by the god of the crossroads.

it is autumn here.
my new orange le boy will be perfectly set with a black MaxMara.

still want to quit my job, still go to Bali in Jan.
nothing changes.

@темы: in all its grandeur, our morbidly pleasant place, 15 dawns to revive

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пятница, 18 августа 2017
16:29

~american horror story.

be bad, be mine.
these few days were defintely a blur.
feeling now just like a patchwork skirt.
i doubt my parts are well connected..

my man is hell?
- babe, but we do not have meds here.
just let me patch you with a bag of ice.
maybe, your 40C will slow down somehow.
(nothing more sexier i seen in my life, like a
tattoo covered hand, patching you an IV pack.)

we are raised hard.
if a hand bleeds and can not be cured, cut it.
and i am all over any point of pain withstanding.

but yesterday i went somewhere to the middle
of Lethe and it was so lazy to go back here. oh.

- babe, i had the same decease and beat within a couple.

nah, people which mortal rating not so long ago was 80%?
just seemed to be stupid and did not know how to properly heal.

no matter how hellish it is, i will never trust my shreds of health
to someone else, than my partner, such a devilish doctor he is.

- cut the crap and let the one, who has a grade to deal with this shit!

aw. you know that song, desposito.
it is so perfect, i probably should make it my wedding theme.

Luis is just a copy of K. without the dangerous part.
...
i solemnly feel sorry for those people, who died from pneumonia in 1900s.
seems i am not in a mortal rate this time as well.

okay, then.

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понедельник, 14 августа 2017
13:10

~to make a long story short.

be bad, be mine.
my lawyers are better, than yours.

@темы: in all its grandeur

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вторник, 08 августа 2017
13:58

~Nox aeterna.

be bad, be mine.
i do not always wear my wedding dress to pick up an Indian lunch,
but when i do i definetely attach my Bvlgari set with it in its full scale.

when i was young and poor, i have always adored those guys.
people in Balmain jeans with a strange color (not your usual beige!)
Birkin on the left hand and the same wallet in the right hand, just
bringing everything to the register without caring about any tags.

in my head they always had to work some undaily big jobs.
like working on a black market or giving the best into AV ads.
not your usual daily routine with an estimated pay check and all.
you know.

this morning, when i almost dropped my serpenti ring in a bottle
from the Cannes festival, i realized that maybe i became that girl.
smiling like a child, when they say that there is a Nespresso coffee
machine in my Hayatt room in Fukuoka (we are all about wedding),
yelling at a fast food guy, who forgot to put a cheese in my curry,
almost running him dead on a storm day all the way up to my house.

i almost never stop looking at the price tags.
over dinner conversations circle around, if i finally go plastics and get
new scars, will they be worse that the ones i got from the past wars?
did you know, that if you push a wrist hard enough, there will be a
strawberry coctail even without any additional instruments attached?

three years ago, we were talking about how we fly to Mexico and grow
weed if i could not get my fucked up divorce and imperia straight. oh, babe.
it seems, that things turn out to be. i do not know how, but they always do.

i am drugged on additives after my mental breakdown, it feels like all the
parts of the body would separate on its own, because the staff is stupid.
but my wedding dress is taupe (mm..its like a beautiful deep dusk color),
i bought almost all the serpenti collection, linked to the anniversary date.
probably, it costs like a small house, but i resent the check of this one to
the groom. things are not bad for me, at least not like they used to be.

soy libre.

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вторник, 18 июля 2017
09:37

~you are (not) alone in gorgeous.

be bad, be mine.
going joyfully to the nearest pool every other day.
flying aeroplanes every month on a sharp schedule.
morning cigarettes, (he made me quit it just the same year)
catching peaches and cofee in between the breathes.

too queen? too young? too fallen?
there is nothing in me, not being there from the start.)
and everything fits in the pattern just as right as i plan.
...
added 7/18.
you know, those questionaires? do you have a type?
yeah, if you ask me i do have a certain type, i find driven.

a man with a complete tattoo on the calf of his leg.
a man with a deeper scar on his upper right hand.
i adore those, who are not afraid to face the demons.
no matter, how many scars and tragedies it brings upon.

me?
i spent around 20K to get rid of the most nasty one, plastic.
just because i wanted to continue wearing mini silk dresses.
and it was bad for video. but night, of the other six i am proud.
proud like hell, if you ask me. cause i do know, how to fight too.

for us, retrieving the wanted phantasies.
we are more, than we are. we are one. (c)


@темы: refined cruelty, our morbidly pleasant place

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09:18

~what time is it, Phil?

be bad, be mine.
this summer is gonna be long gone, before i noticed. nah.
those rare day offs that i can get, i spend with my guys.
poolside, knitted blouse, VS bikini that i can hardly get in?
from time to time i throw myself onto the very girly staff.
i love satin robes. that one from VS fashion show in Paris in
2016 is exquisite. and then i am back to my personal hell.

i am working the job, that not any man could.
have no time at all to pretend dead at my Balenese salon.
boooked myself a hotel in Bali Jan in advance just in case.

want to quit. want to sell the business to someone, who wants.
do not care about the money at all. stopped caring about cash.
want a normal vacation, like humans do. want another good ab.

i do think, that diets are for stupid people, who have so much time
to mix smoothies, doing exercises, blah blah blah and commitments.
for what it is worth, i think a girl should have a thin waist and good hips.
somewhere between 58~95. and all other figures are too exxagerated.

i am tired.
i am so freaking worn out.

sometimes me and my best friend who is almost as good at shooting
as i do, talk about the time three years ago, when the time was rough,
he would not have money to pay up at the hotel, we would buy the
chapest coctails at the local store and i would reach to my visa card,
which had balance of somewhere between the last 200 bucks. night.

how fun we were back then.
now it is all about figures, customers, economics.
i am lazily sipping coffee from my RIedel, choosing the new Bvlgari ring.
i keep the receit of our rings in my card holder. i am that hell sentimental.

the main point of me, being good at my job is not feel.
i shredded the word mercy in my head when i was fifteen.
why so serious?


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