понедельник, 31 января 2011
09:22

～周り道嫌いでー。

be bad, be mine.
i do love my favorite teachers.
giving them small presents, doing homeworks,
trying to attend as much as i can in favor of *)

today instead going to school and see one of them,
i managed up to Shibuya to sit in my favorite italian
coffee shop with a cup of my favorite green maccha latte.
thought a lot. tried not to cry because of the unfair world.

i mean, it is not we were the ones,
who can give each other promises, or even having fights.
i was given everything - here is the castle with open doors.
open the doors you like, play with the things you like and.
no matter how expensive the frames are - look in the mirrors.

but do not ask for something more.

i tried to push until it breaks without realising, i do admit.
as a child, who breaks without noticing, without knowing.
i have eagered for the ultimate tenderness out of reflection.
as my brother said, insane. or, in my case - childish stupid.
because it is obviously not work.

sometimes i do think, that time i was hit badly inside.
deep enough to be obsessed with making water and water work.
i know it will not work. that for make it work the both partners
have to be way better and way stronger, than we were. indeed.
in our case for the third time in my life it was exactly as it was -

you know, i have a pride too.

giving your pride to something like you means surrender, m?
so funny that in usual cases we can easily change our pride
in the terms of getting something nice. looking up down all.
only if i want i can not look up down on someone who is like me.
yet, i can not give up at any case. water just reflects the water.

sometimes i think - fuck the one, who caused this defect of mine.
how much more stronger should i become to give this idea up or
learn how to actually make it working without thinking i have lost.
if you ask me, it makes no sense even for me. just hurts phantomly.

i left that time, i left Charlie, i left central mansion yesterday.
and it not even fucking enough to make me think tis better stop.
what a destiny, night.

if i gave up my child self for a moment, it would have worked.
but hey what are we taking about, honestly. three months?
actually, one month of ultimate self-centered using against
rules until the using object broke. not bad, not bad. last time
it was two weeks. but night again, it hell never will make sense.

i can restore everything our of my stubborness (minus for that).
but i can say the years ahead - it will be happening again n again.
at least this case, where the borh partners are both not qualified.

aaaaaaaah. stop me from restoring that. i will fail badly again :O
i am not failing using and getting something i want to get, but.
i am failing myself even wanting that.

Oliver would have hit me badly for that :(
learning nothing, tracing the traces back.
and i know i will do that again and again.

仕方ないのかな？

@темы: transparent poison, refined cruelty

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воскресенье, 30 января 2011
13:07

～終わらせることになってしまいまして。

be bad, be mine.
that was the second time of this experience. the last one, m. (?)
when i was with Charlie, i got the very simple truth about it all --
when you look in your own mirrors, it can be amazingly perfect.
but. the perfection lasts the one moment and can not be returned to.
the other eternity is the eternity of fighting with the copy of yourself.
Charlie was the cheapest mirror. this time the mirror was diamond framed.

it changed nothing.

today, when i was ordered to return the keys from the c/m i felt sad.
but then i thought about what bro was telling me about this all gone.
that in our terms i should be not punished but pitied for that greatly.
that i am not worthy to be a queen with this wish to look in mirrors.
yet, they give more pain than happiness. that i love myself too much.

that is not about sex (perfect or not perfect) but about needing something.
apart of my home. that if i completely devote myself to my home, i feel
like needing nothing else. that is not about using people, but about the
原因　or source of that. and probably today i finally got the reason why.

why i was pitiful.
the mirrors do nothing but reflect. this time it was my reflection of runaway.
of my probably not readiness and not rightshisness to accept this place.

now i returned keys from the central mansion and do not feel sadness.
i will write letter with my apologies and gratitude for all i have done til now.
i know, i have done a lot of bad things. not right things. not accaptable.

probably, i should grow up. more. stronger.
i wish the day when i understand i do not need something more, come.
it is not i will be changed and not loving myself less, being less child.
causing less pain the one, i made the oath with. chosen the wrong paths.
it is just when i come to the point where i need it, i can be over it myself.

the most easiest way is to take when you want to take.
the most wisest way is to know how not to take it and stay high.

i do not know yet, how *)
but it was the very good experience this time.
and やれやれ、how perfect was the sex part.

終わりー。

@темы: transparent poison, refined cruelty, our morbidly pleasant place

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05:39

.

be bad, be mine.
70. В Японии просто ОХРЕНИТЕЛЬНО ОГРОМНОЕ количество денег тратиться впустую (indeed.
we are so usual with our 6000$ going into nothingness every month..><)
71. Все японцы застрахованы от всего, чего можно
72. Если вы не застрахованным попали в аварию или больницу - вам пиздец (uh true www)
74. В Японии фантастически вежливый сервис, после местного, весь обслуживающий персонал в любой точке мира кажется хамливым (!)
75. Японцы почти никогда не говорят спасибо кассиршам в супермаркете (not almost never - never. you do not speak with service. :()
91. В Японии как нигде в мире быстро появляется и проходит мода на все что угодно. Например на хамелеона или коалу, тогда все вещи с их изображением продаются в раз. Или на отрицательные ионы, или на опресненную воду морских глубин. Бум обычно длится не дольше года, не поддается объяснению и через 3 года вспоминается с трудом, но деньги делаются гигантские. :DDDDDDDDDD truetrue.
100. Как не печально, но Японию портят иностранцы. of course, they are. keep your blood clean, urh.
(c) diary best.

i would love to comment all, but i have no time!

@темы: our morbidly pleasant place

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05:26

~the purest mornings.

be bad, be mine.
central mansion is one hour away today.
i adore such mornings, to be so excited *)
(to help someone with difficult political essay! *^^*)
only the way there makes myself so much overflying.
like the butterflies, which are the greatest taboo there.
...
Japan won the asian cup <3 (!!!!!!!!!!!!)
sadly i was sleeping all the time on bros shoulder w
and he didnt even wake me and got all the joy himself.
muah.

@темы: shimmery light, embracing the heart, bloodstraines

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суббота, 29 января 2011
07:07

.

be bad, be mine.
yesterday i asked brother, how it could be ever like this.
in this world, where human beings come to stop loving.
how is that possible? i knew the only one possible answer,
that they made up this definition from the very beginning.

probably, they remember about this only on Valentines.

that is not even pitiful, making no sense at all.

URL
06:53

.

be bad, be mine.
as soon as central mansion is cancelled today.
(sob-sob, but Ryu has to write something very important
in the terms of the department of political science and all.
and i am very kind to know that i make him stop do that,
being there *) so instead i am going for tomato carry,
photos for january and finishing the letters, i have to.

yay-yay.

killed our outrageous 30 000 cost carpet with orange juice.
again.

good morning, day <3

@темы: down to amalgamation, in all its grandeur, our morbidly pleasant place

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пятница, 28 января 2011
12:15

~for those, who loved this world.

be bad, be mine.
かつて、この世界を愛し
この世界の仲間達と共に過ごした人々へ
再び集いしこの時を捧ぐ

sometimes i do think,
there is something tragically beautiful in the worlds, gone..
in the ones, who failed them, in the ones who let be forgotten.

there is an indescribably eternal sadness in that.
if i ever let myself feeling it all, i would have died.
because of its pain, you can not be over even once.

i have seen the worlds, dying and lost.
the time i thought it is the end for myself too.

how i was mistaken.

// in the name of all the children, who will never advent.
inspired by Final Fantasy 7. which is breathtaking sad
in being truthful about all the ever coming to an end worlds.

. by the way, the japanese in use there is close to heian.
we do not use these forgotten words anymore but that is.
that is the language, i want to speak as easy as breathing.

@темы: transparent poison

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12:05

~you are thinking i'm crazy, but you are blushing of lust. (c)

be bad, be mine.
* 港区、５０ｍ２、新しくできたマンション。
＝４００．０００＄

for that only i long and will do my best.
and already broke bros hesitations *)
it is not gonna be very easy at all. ><
with keeping the life, we re leading now.
with my wishes for Paris\Hawaii every three months.
with spending (stupidly?) 6000$ a month on having fun.

with being the ones, we are.

but i do not need less.
nest year we will buy this house, i promise myself.
i will build up one more central mansion for ourselves.
in the very heart of Tokyo. that what i was dreamt of.

pretty much long.

* second time going to the 歯医者。５分かかったんだ☆

* even in a gods blessed land like hours, where you can marry in 10 minutes,
we could not managed it cos bro forgot about the fact we do need the signs.
and he is even more troubled in getting one. as to me, i will try to ask Ryu
sign it and i do not honestly know how more excessive than that i can go )
but if i can not marry both and can not break my oath, at least i will put the
names in one paper for the rest of my life :D humans do not do this stuff.
they do not ask their lovers to be their men of honour. i wonder why, i am not
asking sister for that. in the first place. why i am going to ask that person.
the answer is simple. i am trusting him the most without any particular reason,
based on blood-something. that is insane. bro promised to say nothing and do
keep his lips shut. usual people do not need to know about the certain detailes.

that is as insane as only we could manage. not in human terms.
out of something, which is called common sense over here and all.
because it makes no sense for someone, outside myself. greatly.

he might refuse to do that. everyone would do that.
but i am a little princess who needs to be cared about.
that is of the priority.

sometimes i think, i am using these two both.
sometimes i think, it is only my 気のせい。
in the very end, that is the source of my lifestream.

and i talked with bro about jisatsu (suicide it is).
he told me that if i ever do that he will end up completely broke.
i never thought the expences on jisatsu are so extremely high :O
no matter how you do that and where you do that. quite interesting.
will think about it.
...

whats the way of love?

@темы: emerald shadows, down to amalgamation, prince and princess, dreams, we're dreaming, bloodstrains

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вторник, 25 января 2011
13:50

~through the looking glass?

be bad, be mine.
* we started to adressing each other with 様 quite regularly.
probably, it is a good thing to return to the origins. honesly.
minding the thing, i wrote in the morning about the dialect -
i love the way, we can keep all the shadows in one. always.

a prince and a princess. the king and the queen one day.
goes without saying?

* sometimes i do think, why we are like that?
might we put into action 100 the knowledges we keep -
we could have obtained this world the years ago for sure.
but we let it pass, let it be unneeded and quite forgotten.

brother still knows by heart The Potsdam Declaration,
awesome in maths, physics and economics just as he is.
yet he threw away the uni just because it was *too easy*.
Ryu is breathtaking beautiful in history and all the Heian.
in literature, even more so. in ancient literature - completely.
respectively, he is doing nothing towards his economic major.

if i did not know him - i would decide about that person as
just someone who is doing nothing, always playing around.
or me, who could have already passed the decade of dissertations
in social, literature or anything else field, but prefer spending days,
in beds, surfing the pages with clothes or eating someting outrageous.

if you ask me, i do not know why all of us are like that.
letting go it all to the dresser drawers in sleeping shelves.
leading quite average lives, without showing the us out.
being satisfied with even not that brilliant aristocratic life.
why? i wish i knew.

probably, this world is not worthy enough for us. for me.

* bringing up the topic, i think as well that my sins are worthy enough
not to be ever atoned. even now at times i still return bro the sad words,
he said towards me at the time of sadness. i never felt anything guilty )
for me my oath is enough. i am sure i can not be blamed for something else.
as long as i keep my oath. everything other - it is just the humans problem.
hence can be passed.

not long ago i returned to my family, blacked their rightshisness out
with my thoughts about how sex is not connected with loving someone.
they were almost out of their nice right minds in front of me. that was nice,
that is why i love my sister above all in this family. she can get everything.
others are a lil bit too straight in their ways. not ever blaming them for that.

it was so nice to look at them, so strong in their *we would have not forgiven!*
but the time will come and they will come to the point where 許すしかない。
not because they love, even. because they would not have the other choice.
that will be sad. that will be sad even for me to look at. but it can not be helped.
in this society, it is very difficult to be alone.

* ちらしすし、chocolate eclers and coffee was the love of the day <3

@темы: down to amalgamation, crowned with snow, those, who obtained the first sunrise, dreams, we're dreaming, our morbidly pleasant place, bloodstrains

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01:39

.

be bad, be mine.
かね返せばかー

i love him cos he could show this side to me as well.
very arrogant, cruel and breathtaking beautiful shadow.
i can not manage it longer than one minute, but night.
how beautiful he is at himself.

that is what i was asking for and was feared of.
this person can break my neck without noticing it.
the person, who i am sharing the home with - not.

sometimes i do amaze, how many of us are in us.
sometimes i hesitate in accepting, who was first.
of all of us in us what is actually the first reflection.

probably, we do not need to know that as well.
probably, ね。

@темы: refined cruelty, those, who obtained the first sunrise

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понедельник, 24 января 2011
13:29

~cheese and vintage on mondays.

be bad, be mine.
* cofee in a yellow bear mug and a letter from Francesca made my day <3
if only i could i would definitely run away for three day towdars Rome to see her.
my sister is adorable as always, as always warm and strong. adorably love *)

* yesterday made with bro plans towards 海外。
for now it looks like (starting now) --
february - Hokkaido, Halodate.
march - Kyoto, Osaka.
may/june - Hawaii (yay!)
august - Nara, Osaka, Kyoto.
august/sept - France/Netherlands +?
december - NY (LA?). <3

at least half of that is decided for sure.
no Russia there and i honestly do not know where to put it.
i mean, how it can be compared to Hawaii? *O*

i just knew that bro doesnt need visa to almost wherever else.
where is my japanese passport, aaaah! i am envious like hell.
he doesnt need visa to america as well. we should go to states.
i am sure, he will 似合う states. なんとなく感じているんだね。

* to think of it, he took the most tasty part of my sin out of it -
the feeling that it is only yours and not ever shared sin. damn.
for three weeks i didnt even feel the wish to return to the c/m.
because my sin became so つまらん and not interesting at all.
probably, i should do a right thing and change the sucking lust
with sucking knowledges out of those shelves. at least i am
ready to lend Genji Monogatari and Catcher in the Ray next visit.

yups, doing right things. am i not great, huh?

* begged bro to play cruel in bed. he honestly confessed that when
he put his hands on my neck he cant ignore the temptation of how
it feels to break it. just one time. one time will be enough for me, i guess.
fail. blackouts can be dangerous in our case, probably. i am so so sad *(

* i want cheese sandwiches and bro just mailed it is めんどい to buy cheese.
i am struggling within!

* people, living by rightshisness can not ever get the beauty of the sins.
in my position, they can be pitied. but it is about me, right. just the..
matter of choice, which stand to take, to think about it. one thing they get.
if they go and risk, they have nothing to return to and they lose all at once.
that is why we are different. we can always return to be the good ones.
they can never return, once choosing the bad side. because they do not know.
the rules and patterns of being bad. in the very end, it is about means, we use.
you can not use something, you dont know the 使い方。as simple as that?

* i want to make chocolate and send it to the central mansion.
the most excessive action in my decayed life to be brought into reality.

but i can not make chocolates, you know. which is the sad part *D

@темы: down to amalgamation, refined cruelty, embracing the heart, crowned with snow, blue lights of lust, dreams, we're dreaming, our morbidly pleasant place

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воскресенье, 23 января 2011
07:48

~orange juice and banana chocolates.

be bad, be mine.
i know, that it is only some months left leaving in this house.
and then there is gonna be a new mansion, which i will so
honestly fill with my heartful will to build up in my very tastes.
i am saying openly, there are a lot of things in the central
mansion, i like. mentioning, design part. i am admitting it.
i am admitting as well the fact that in my house i want the same.
something and sometimes. that is probably, not quite that sad )

at least bro says nothing about these little desires of mine.

but, even with that i am putting my heart into making the order
in this house as well *D so much many stuff can be found on
the shelves, 8 years ago, 5 years ago that i cant even remember.
at times it is interesting to look down the history. probably, there
are times that would better not, but anyway i will look it down all.
...
amazing, how definite clothes shopping can have you inside out.
in the very end, we have almighty rakuten. why on earth going out.
nope, going over and over again.

<3

+++

yay, if i will be a good child next month and wont be spending scary
amounts of money, bro promised me handcuffs. a very good ones )
take the challenge, probably *@*

@темы: refined cruelty, dreams, we're dreaming, our morbidly pleasant place

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пятница, 21 января 2011
12:48

.

be bad, be mine.
wow, i dont remember when i became so slim in all
that ended up being able to buy everything from the net,
being sure that it would fit including the most high boots.
overknee. dark brown. leather. dream みたい boots <3

i am loosing the weight greatly here.
no food at home. in despair run to the central mansion.
no food there (!) all my food expences (~ 8000 yen)
are going to the clothes and other quite unneeded stuff.
i eat out five times a week 位 and it changes nothing.

i am losing weight abnormally beautiful.
i dont remember when i saw myself like this ever.
...
tomorrow is chinese food, imperial gardens, coffee latte.
that is why today i am sleeping ゆっくり at home with sweets.
thinking about how ばか i am, waiting for the official letter with
invitation. it is time to get i do not need invitations over there.
いつでも行けるところ。 i can just mail before i use the elevator.
*i am here!*. and i still cant get used to this fact ever.
that this central mansion is my personal salvation place.

@темы: down to amalgamation, dreams, we're dreaming, our morbidly pleasant place

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01:28

.

be bad, be mine.
but the thing that honestly made my day yesterday is
toothache correction <3 i never tried to compare russia
and japan when it comes to the very specific areas, but.
at this time i am even more proud to belong to the land,
which improved hightech greatly. 20 minutes and tis done.
in russia it would have costed me three times more and
three times more painful. amazing, isnt it. if i manage to
have spare 30 000 yen in spring i will make all my teeth.

too many chocolate eating, probably.

my tooth now pleasantly hurts after anestesia. edem.

20 000.
i want 保険証 so much so soon.

@темы: down to amalgamation, our morbidly pleasant place

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01:07

~milk, caramel and chocolate <3

be bad, be mine.
yesterday bro made me happy with the fact, that in january
we managed to spend about 500 000 yen (5000 $?) in all.
the question *how* is not quite working in this case, probably.
that is much. not that much to lay down and cry out loud, but.
much enough to shorten my expences on clothers in february.
yay, jeez. honestly, how we managed that? *O

tremendous, kinda.
...
yesterday as well we managed our way to the russian embassy.
despite all the things, i bring up sometimes. i should admit that
it is nice and calm there. (maybe Japan makes it out of itself)
not to mention that it is two steps away from the Tokyo Tower.
i tried to make bro stroll the streets down the central mansion, but.
he chose the most opposite way. it is not, that i am not getting it.
i am just trying to make the parallels work, being the very myself.

i will stroll the streets down myself, of course.
20 minutes to the south.
...
then the most delicious ケーキ食べ放題 came into reality.
strawberry cakes, maccha cakes, mokko and cheese ones.
something that made my day the most awesome in this
winter いままで. green and rose cups and such the atmosphere.
indeed, sweets paradise it was! will bring out photos on fb later.

milk caramel chocolate bubble bath is love of the world.

@темы: down to amalgamation, embracing the heart, dreams, we're dreaming, our morbidly pleasant place

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среда, 19 января 2011
12:38

.

be bad, be mine.
- was talking about the uni with bro yesterday.
it is not that he is extremely happy, obviously.
1.5 * 4 (2) = 6 000 000 yen.

that means i will end up without my Porsche (;つД｀;)

anyway, there is always the way to go into it.
still thinking. will be sucking out someone dry
to be updated with all the information about Keio.

in general, i do not need it. but i so wanted to.
graduate from somewhere at home. honestly.
Ryu said that there is a way even for the main course.
if he takes the harsh part to break me through history )
since he is excellent about everything, connected to it.

yay, still thinking.
for me it is like a dream. not the life aim, respectively.
but the dreams should be bring into reality as well.

- bro is cooking his originally godlike 俺のカレー
something to die for <3.

- 電気代 came with the number of 7000 yen.
bro was shocked completely by this fact.

i do not know how i am doing that, i swear *-*
it is freaking expensive. normal is 2500 :O

cold coffee with milk and the decade of kanjis are coming <3

@темы: in all its grandeur, crowned with snow, our morbidly pleasant place, bloodstrains

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вторник, 18 января 2011
11:47

~perfection is.

be bad, be mine.
88/62/88

dont ask how i managed that.
special technics.

@темы: in all its grandeur

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11:23

.

be bad, be mine.
i am hopelessly decayed.
instead of three whatever i wanted to write, that.

orange bath foam, peach coctail and black awesome
(stolen from bros stuff) Hermes scarf is so much love.
that it is like a dream (c) to put your nose down into
this scarf and sleep like this all the way from Shibuya.

this is love and nothing other is needed ever.

@темы: in all its grandeur

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11:19

~*^--^*

be bad, be mine.
i make no sense, being home ww
writing here, i mean.

everything is just a simple registration,
making sense only for me and bro and.
he sometimes surfing through all this mess.

i dont mind, anyway.
that note about perfect sex should have been deleted though 笑
too late anyway, 馬鹿の私。

i am being heartbreakingly honest and where is my ご褒美？

<3.

@темы: emerald shadows, in all its grandeur, crowned with snow, our morbidly pleasant place

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11:09

.

be bad, be mine.
thursday is going to be a good day.
i will happily fix my tooth and sign the marriage papers.

everyday nonsense to take care about. feels like it, yes.

and then there is gonna be a long and sweet talk *)
if i ever going to actually say out that i signed it all.
the key from the mansion can be taken away easily.

bad girl goes good.
i want to believe that universe works for my sake.

pretty please?

@темы: black and white

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